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Poetry

Shitty Poetry Month: Week Three

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Week 3 of April’s Shitty Poetry Month presents some truly inspired awfulness from Ada Hoffman, Geoffrey A. Landis, J.Y.T. Kennedy, Brett Savory and Daniel Parker Lee, and Kari Maaren!

Featured Book Challenge: All of the poems this week were inspired by a ChiZine Publications book series. Can you name the title(s)? Share the correct book title(s) on the ChiZine Publications Facebook Page and enter for a chance to win the ebook of this week’s featured book, plus its prequel (hint, hint)!

(If you're not on Facebook, feel free to leave your winning guess in the comments below!)

Let the good shit be yours!

Ada Hoffmann

. . . Because Why the Hell Not

Shitty Poetry Month: Week Two

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It’s Week 2 of April’s Shitty Poetry Month! Enjoy the terrible musings of Robert Runte, Matt Moore, Stephen Graham Jones, Michael Matheson, and Michèle Laframboise.

Featured Book Challenge: Are YOU a shitty Poet? Prove it! Go to the ChiZine Publications Facebook Page and SHARE your own short-shitty poem, and enter a chance to win this week’s featured book Goldenland Past Dark and last week’s featured book The Inner City!

April is Shitty Poetry Month

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April is National Poetry Month! The birds are singing, the flowers are bursting into bloom in these first days of spring! And lo, a person's thoughts turn to verse, and the beautiful phrasing and ideas found in poetry. We at ChiZine embrace poetry! We wanted to—SKKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCH!

Yes, that was the sound of Dr. Johnny Fever changing the programming. Who are we kidding? You're probably already getting your good and highfalutin' poetry elsewhere. But hey—we still wanted to blatantly capitalize on the event! So ChiZine is pleased to bring you: Shitty Poetry Month™! The first year of a (semi) proud new tradition.

Each week we will bring you new shitty poems by authors you didn't know had . . . that much . . . shit . . . in them.

And each week we'll have a new contest, so check back here to see what you can win!

This week, it's "match the shitty poem to the author who shat it out" and win a free ebook copy of Karen Heuler's new book, The Inner City from ChiZine Publications! Post on the CZP Facebook page or tweet your answers to @chizinepub! Winners announced weekly!

Shitty Poetry Month: Week One

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Three great authors, three shitty poems! We've separated the poems from their authors, and it's up to you to match them! Follow the ChiZine Publications Facebook Page for full details.

A. The Greatest Story Ever Told

The Penguin chick bursts from the shell
His fetal bed has served him well
But now the newborn bird will rest
Within his windswept, treetop nest.

What She Dreams Of

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She dreams of it on special occasions.

James Lee, "if"

Usually it decomposes quietly, mobster corpse
stashed under the brain's wet cement,
raccoon cadaver in the moonlight
on the potholed shoulder of the royal road,
heaving with maggots.

It thinks in maledictions. It hangs itself
in the closet and waits for her to come in.
Its head turns toward mirrors. Light moves away
from it quickly and pretends they've never met;
dark gets stuck inside it.

It obtained an advanced degree
from the School of the Americas,
where it always got extra credit. It hums
to itself frequently; off-key renditions of Puccini
or Led Zeppelin.

It used to give her ideas,
which she acted upon when the opportunity
presented itself, until something else told her to stop.
It wants to hide a weapon in one of her body cavities.
Be Preemptive is its motto.

It hates the medication
that keeps it silent, gag of wadding
ending in zine or zone. When it reanimates
and wades out of the flooded culvert of her nightmares,
it knows why it has been summoned.

Beyond Omphalos

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She consecrates liters of H3 and sulfur
on the altar of Apollo at Delphi
and gazes at the navel of the earth, expecting
the swirl of galaxies
forming within (with vibrato, string theory
sustained at the end of a chord) only to discover
a muted spectrum
No other communication arrives
to reveal a hidden watcher; her own
turned-inward gaze
but a starspeck, cryogenically frozen
waiting -- waiting for a glimpse of Chronos
his measured, unyielding stride
out beyond the red shift, and out of her hands

Moonwolves

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The pack hurtles across the crater:
a volley of bodies;
salvoes of flying feet and jaws
and tails trailed like banners.

Each footfall leaves
a slow silver fountain.

What is it they hunt?
Onager or wapiti, wildebeeste, moa?
(Once it was a two-legged ghost
that vanished as they struck.)
Lumbering aurochs or swift stiltlike dinornid,
at the end it falls under
their teeth in
a welter of
microprocessors, effectuators,
metal shards and
a strangely satisfied hunger.

Lunarosity

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If luminosity measures light given off by its source
then lunarosity measures the moonliness of any object.
I created a lunarosity counter from a silver mirror whose last reflection
was of a smiling baby and an old watch unearthed from a graveyard.
To calibrate the lunarosity counter, I pointed it
at the sun at high noon: Zero lunarosity.
I pointed it at the full moon near the shore of the Seine
where lovers used their fingers and their mouths to weave the night:
Perfect lunarosity.

The Scientist Solves a Puzzle

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Like the boy in the Snow Queen story,
playing with ice and fire, trying to spell “love”
or “salvation,” ending up with only broken shards.
I don't remember what I wanted to accomplish.
When did I find myself so far away, so bruised with frost,
so unseeing? There are crystals in my heart, fragments
of mirror in my eye. I stack one atom next to another,
then force them apart, race them against the clock.
I'm only guessing. Endothermic, exothermic.
Is that what brought on this nuclear winter? I forget.

A Spell for Scrying Mirror Gremlins

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Find a bird
crushed by a car or window
and sprinkle water on it daily
until it grows to the size of a
grudge. Hang it
on a string around your neck.

Turn off the lights in your bathroom
and utter your own name
once for each time
you have sinned against
expectation. Open the steaming tap
and let the glass
glaze until you see the dark spirits
that have been stretching you out
in front of yourself
like a dog's tired tongue.
Watch them wear you, puff
your belly, chew your hair,
stuff sacs of venom
under your eyes.

In a low whisper, tell yourself
this is the work of inhuman forces,
of elves, of dead birds
and albatrosses. Repeat
until you believe it, until your face
sours like a bruise
under the mirror’s hard skin.

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